


he's beauty he's grace he's got starscourge on his face

by TheBirdOfHermesIsMyName



Category: Final Fantasy XV
Genre: Crack Treated Seriously, Gen, a story about people saying fuck you to the astrals and them absolutely hating it, this game left me sad so i too am saying fuck you to the astrals
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-02
Updated: 2018-11-11
Packaged: 2019-07-06 03:00:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 671
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15877107
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheBirdOfHermesIsMyName/pseuds/TheBirdOfHermesIsMyName
Summary: In which Ardyn is highly offended by the implication he isn't good enough for the Crystal, and because he's a petty bitch he goes about proving the Astrals wrong. Or: Starscourge is a killer for the complexion.A series of interconnecting one-shots that may or may not become one big story.





	1. Cosmogony I

**Author's Note:**

> This is mostly working on the idea that Ardyn was kind of a bitch before the 2000 or so years of loneliness and resentment and daemon juice inside him and sheer pettiness and will alone got him through his immortality.

The Draconian said unto the Accursed, “He who takes this plague of plagues unto himself is surely unworthy of our Crystal, and forever may he be condemned until the true King of Light may smite him down.”

The Accursed replied, “Is it truly thy decree that my fate should be so cruel? I, who have devoted myself wholly and entirely to the Six and to most resplendent Eos?”

“The unclean will remain in this land until the prophesied hour when Dawn will once more cast her pale shroud over Eos. Til then so shall it be that thou will linger, and spread thy darkness, and be renounced by the Lucis Caelum line.”

“Ah,” said the Accursed, “So it is to be my brother Somnus who will be crowned as King.”

“So he will.”

“Then I have but one request, Draconian, Bahamut of the Six.”

The Draconian waited silently, unknowing of what the Accursed could possibly request.

And the Accursed said, “Kindly go fuck thyself.”

 

_Cosmogony According to Ardyn ~~Lucis Caelum~~ Izunia_


	2. Bargaining

 

“Look. I’m not saying you have to do what I say or anything,” Ardyn says, pacing back and forth. ( _No, no, you must obeyyy!! Obeyyy ussss!_ hiss the daemons in his head. Ardyn tells them to piss off — he’s _trying_ to hold a conversation here.) “But really now, is one favour too much to ask? Am I really so out of line asking this of you?”

The Crystal remains utterly silent, resplendent and effulgent, perfectly perfect and a _bitch_ and Ardyn pouts even as the daemons writhe beneath his flesh and demand attention.

“It’s been eighty years, don’t you think it’s time I — oh, I don’t know — got a grey hair? Maybe developed some arthritis? Macular degeneration? No? Please?”

“Uncle, what in Bahamut’s name are you _doing?”_ asks Sidus Lucis Caelum, seemingly very puzzled to find his father’s brother talking to either himself or to a rock that has obviously made itself clear on the fact that _it does not like Ardyn._

“I’m trying to _talk_ to this ridiculous glowing rock _that is giving me the silent treatment,”_ Ardyn snarls in a voice that is his own but also a veritable legion of monsters scrambling to be heard. He takes a moment to count to ten, recite some ancient prayers to the Dawn Mother herself, and then turns back to the Crystal. “I’ll settle for at the very least being able to get drunk again?”

Sidus sighs, takes his uncle’s arm and guides him out of the Crystal chamber. “How about some tea, hmm?”

But Ardyn stares blankly ahead in despair. “What’s the _point_ in having a hundred year old bottle of genuine Solheimian mead if you can’t get _drunk_ on it…?”

“Come now, the children want a story before bed.”

“Sidus, have some sympathy,” Ardyn huffs.

“I do try, uncle, but watching you attempt to bargain with a Crystal that you know is very much not going to respond to you is rather like watching a man stab himself in the foot.”

Ardyn slides him a sullen look. “If you think this is the first time I’ve asked it nicely, you’re mistaken.”

Sidus sighs and nods. “Just so long as you don’t start hacking at it with the Armiger, you can ask it all you like.”

The daemon masses hiss delightedly at the idea of battering the Crystal with swords and axes, and Ardyn tells them to just _please. shut. up. please?_ And naturally, they ignore him.

When Ardyn enters the royal suite he finds his grand-niece Ophelia and grand-nephew Clemens in their nightclothes, perched on either arm of his armchair, waiting for him.

And it’s a little easier to ignore the writhing beasts in his skull when he sees them, so he puts on a smile that isn’t too forced and sags into the plush armchair. Immediately, two eager children place themselves on his lap and watch him with wide eyes.

“Tonight, I will tell you the story of the Healer Who Thought He Could Fistfight A Behemoth…”


End file.
